Son of a Son of a Sinner

Thoughts of a Christian…2000 years too late

Archive for February, 2010

LET’S INVEST! – Be Our Guest Parody

Bon Appétit!

My dear, young investor: it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure that we welcome you today. And now we invite you to get ready, reserve a spot on the floor as the Stock Exchange proudly presents Your Future.

Let’s in-vest, let’s invest
Put the markets to the test
Put a tie around your neck, my friend
Now is no time to rest
Common stock, some preferred
Don’t let losses get you deterred!
You must think like a corporate raider;
Try and learn from the seasoned traders.
What to buy, what to sell
This is Wall Street, hear the bell?
And Buffett’s picks are never second best.
Open your portfolio
With shares of KO
And then invest, oui invest, let’s invest!

Citigroup, JNJ,
Wells-Fargo, and Schlumberger!
We’ll prepare and trade with flare
Stocks of a vast array
Buy Wal-Mart and Intel;
IBM and Honeywell
No one’s gloomy or complaining
They’re too busy capital gaining!
3M, Pfizer, AXP,
CAT, DuPont, and Disney
GE and Mickie D’s are two safe bets!
Go on, get off you’re ass
Trade stocks of every class
Now invest!
If you’re stressed,
Then it’s T-bills we suggest
Let’s invest, let’s invest, let’s invest!

Life is so degrading
For a trader who’s not trading
A poor soul in the hole of recession
Ah, those bullish days when they were useful
Suddenly, those bullish days are gone
Sub-prime loans are busting
And the market needs adjusting
We need capital, a chance to use our skills
Most days we just lay around the exchange
The FED acts like Swayze, lower rates and oops-a-daisy!

Let’s invest, let’s invest!
Microsoft’s what you should request
Exxon Mobil’s record profits: I must admit, I’m impressed
For computers, try HP
For nondurables, P&G
While the iPhone was debutin’
My capital gains just kept accruin’!
Google stock is piping hot
Choose a market: futures or spot
Sometimes derivatives are truly best
Companies to review
Try the Journal’s latest issue
Won’t you, our guest? (Let’s invest)
Let’s invest! (Let’s invest)

Let’s invest! Let’s invest!
Before the market reaches a crest
We’re pioneers, we’re financiers, and we’re just a bit obsessed!
We have degrees, we charge fees
For our years of expertise
Before stock values start growing
And the cash is freely flowing
Stock…by…stock!
Share by share!
‘Til you become a millionaire
Then you can retire and get some well-earned rest
So you can prop you feet up
But for now let’s read up
Let’s invest, let’s invest, let’s invest!
Please, let’s invest!!!

FLAGLER COLLEGE LOVE – California Love Parody

 

"Live by the beach...die by the beach."

Flagler College Love!
Flagler College, knows how to party; Flagler College, knows how to party
In the city of S.A.; in the city of Lincolnville; in the city, city of West King
We keep in rockin, we keep it rockin

Now let me welcome everybody to the Ponce Hotel
We hold down the fort; we be raw as hell
This track hits your eardrum like a tollin church bell
We better than Ivy Leaguers from Cornell
We in that Sunshine State in St. John’s County Seat
The first school ever made from poured concrete
And profs be on the mission for them greens
Lean, mean money-makin machines teachin fiends
I been at this school for four years makin rap tunes
At the same time I was drawin cartoons
Now it’s two-ten and they grade and teach me
SAM trophies shinin, lookin like I robbed Liberace
It’s all good from Anastasia to the Bay
Our campus includes the Florida East Coast Railway UH!
Throw up your hands if you’re gainin any knowledge
Sam puttin it down for Flagler College

Flagler College, knows how to party; Flagler College (First Coast) knows how to party
In the city of S.A.; in the city of Lincolnville; in the city, city of West King
We keep in rockin, we keep it rockin
Shake it shake it, Abare
Shake it shake it, Proctor
Shake it shake it, Gallen
Shake it shake it, Kelley

Out on bail from the Old Jail, Flagler College dreamin
Soon as I step outta Lewis, I go to class in Kenan
Goin straight to the dinin hall
The life of an accounting major where cowards fall and they all bawl
In S.A. where we study now rally to live and die
In S.A. we wearin Reefs, not Nikes (that’s right)
Dressed in shades and bathing suits and surf is what we do
Swimming but have caution we collide with tourist groups
Famous business program
Worldwide, let’em recognize from Jax Beach to Marineland
Passing all of our exit exams, it’s Flagler
So you know we won’t bow down to no man
Say what you say
But let’s go to Hattie’s with Dre
Let me serenade the streets of S.A.
From the Beaches to the Downtown; Saragossa and back down
Auggy is where they put their mack down. Give me love!

Flagler College, knows how to party; Flagler College knows how to party
In the city of S.A.; in the city of Lincolnville; in the city, city of West King
We keep in rockin, we keep it rockin
Shake it shake it, Hoover
Shake it shake it, Tracey
Shake it shake it, Felix
Shake it shake it, Bradley

Uh, yeah, uh, uh, Moultrie in the house, uh
Downtown, Downtown definitely in the house
Vilano, Vilano
Heh, you know S.A. up in this; Ponte Vedra, where you at?
Yeah, Elwood, Elwood always up to no good
Even Davis Shores tryin to get a piece, baby.
Sawgrass, Hastings, where you at? Yeah!

Throw it up y’all, throw it up, throw it up! I can’t see ya!
Flagler College Love!!

CITY to GROW – Money to Blow Parody

In honor of Lake City FL’s sesquicentennial, let’s take a look back at the rich history of the “Gateway to Florida”:

Hicker than the hickest
Lake City, b_____
Comin’ to you live from…the city of
Alpata Telophka
(Alligator Town) (150)
I am on a 24-hour, sweet tea diet
With a wedge of lime
I encourage you to try it
Working Man’s combo
I always buy it,
Ken’s Bar-B-Q supply it
Man, they got a good pit

Those, who don’t know their past,
are doomed to repeat
Guess what? I know mine
so I’m gon’ walk you through
My hometown’s history
Let’s take a look, at how far we’ve come,
and I know you’ll agree
We deserve to celebrate our one-fifty.

I, I, I, I am so legit, here we go
Our town’s first inhabitants
were from the tribe of Seminole
Then came DeSoto, with his Spanish Conquistadors
Blazin’ a trail in a fruitless search for gold

Yes, they made mistakes
that we don’t ever make excuses for,
Like the three bloody conflicts
called the Seminole Wars
Chief Osceola died a defiant hero
The U.S. was forced to pay for the Grant of Arredondo

We can’t help it, and I can’t blame’em
Since we got founded, we got a City to Grow
Go get your kin, we can’t move forward
‘til we know where we been
Got a city to grow-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Got a city to grow-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Got a city to grow
Hicker than the hickest
Suwannee River getting’ it,
old folks, at home, just reminiscin’
Go four-wheelin’, then go bag some birds
Ole Times Country Buffett’s where we get served
We worked out; at Future we get on it
We be gainin’ mass and we surpass ‘em
McDuffie’s, take cash or check
A Yamaha or Mercury, you’ll be set
Costa lens green tint and polarized
They got all your marine sporting goods supplies
Columbia High won state back in ‘67
Born here, born a Tiger, we born to win
Fully loaded, bolt-action Remington
Camo paint, Bud Lights, my dog strapped in
Born huntin’ in my Silverado, jacked up
Can’t stop me from takin’ down 10-point bucks
We can’t help it, and I can’t blame’em
Since we got founded, we got a City to Grow
Let Olustee begin, think all the revenue it brings in
Got a city to grow-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Got a city to grow-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Wal-Mart’s open 24 hours
Their products I devour
Ch-ch-cheap DVDs and fixtures for my shower

Get me some Fu King pork, and make it sweet and sour
Our medians are covered with many wild flowers

A Ford’s
What I drive
’77 F-150 I restored

Our town’s girls so fine they make you take a second look
And our town’s churches preach the Gospel from the Good Book
And we gon’ be alright with Berkley Gulp! on every hook
We can’t help it, and I can’t blame’em
Since we got founded, we got a City to Grow
Gettin’ on in, the Ichetucknee’s so cool on your skin
Got a city to grow-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh,
Got a city to grow-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Got a city to grow

(Lake City, baby)

(Just like that)

(brrr-RRAP!)

WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE – Flagler College Edition

A short lesson about the history and people of Flagler College:

Flagler and Rockefeller went in business together
And with all their money and toil,
They created Standard Oil

Henry left to St. Augustine
To create a summer* social scene
Where he and the Gilded Age Elites could all go

So he built the Ponce Hotel
Every room was furnished well
Running water, electric lights
To illuminate the summer* nights
Carrere & Hastings greatest feat
Towers made with poured concrete
Tiffany windows, dining hall
Paintings covered every wall!

(Chorus)

Ponce became Flagler College
It fills young minds with knowledge
About business, communication, education, art
Drs. Proctor and Abare
Kelly’s Dean of Academic Affairs
Don’t forget Hibler, Stewart, and Russom
Voguit is a history buff; VandenHouten’s classes are really tough
Steve Thomas looks like a bear; Lou Preysz has no hair
Bob Berger J.D., Delaughter, Driscoll, Ma-kow-ski
Bill Lavelle, Semper Fi; Hoover buys low and sells high!

(Chorus)

Friedman, Livingston adores; Jones leads Trolley tours
Judge Poland lays down the law; George Carlin looks like Joe Vlah
Holanchock knows Tae-kwon-do; Chester is über-mellow
Johnson talks theology, Provenza heads up technology!
Donna Webb, Barry Sand (He produced Letterman)
Anastasia, Vilano, Chris Smith likes Michelangelo
Upchurch was a congressman, Twardy for Heisman!
Mission of Nombre de Dios, Castillo de San Marcos!

(Chorus)

Lewis, Cedar, Wiley Hall, Kenan, Soccer, Baseball
Food by Aramark, Basketball, “Bo” Clark
Hotel Casa Monica, Lightner, Columbia
Fountain of Youth, Zorayda Castle, parking is indeed a hassle
Huguenot cemetery, the bridge is only temporary
Matanzas Bay, Cracker Café, Dan McCook loves birds of prey!
(Chorus)

Markland, Old Jail, Terry delivers mail
Florida School for the Deaf and Blind, the lighthouse isn’t hard to find
The churches are a sight to see, shop at Flagler’s Legacy
St. George Street, old world charm, see the Alligator Farm
Lincolnville, quite a thrill, Panepinto frequents Sunset Grille
Oldest House, Oldest School, the new student center is awfully cool
Picturesque sea shore, lots of history galore
Palm trees, ocean breeze
How could you ask for more?!

(Chorus)

*My esteemed professor Dr. Livingston reminded me that Henry Flagler intended to create a “Winter Newport” in St. Augustine; the summer’s would have unbearably hot. So, that is the one historical error I made.

LAKE CITY – Miami Parody

I just took Will Smith’s jam and brought it 400 miles north.  My version celebrates our humble little town which has been known by many names: Alpata Telophka, Alligator Town, Alligator, the Gateway to Florida, Lake City.  Whatever others call it, I prefer to call it “Home.”

Uh, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, uh
Lake City, uh, uh, Cannon Creek, bringin the heat, uh
Haha! Can y’all feel that? Can y’all feel that?
DeSoto Trail, uh…

Here I am in the place where I come let go
Lake City the base where the sunset glow
Everyday like a Hee-Haw, everybody hunt all day
After they bale hay, okay?
So we sip a little sweet tea while we chill
Me and Peter at Ken’s runnin up a high bill
Watchin’ Tigers’ football, old signs on the wall
Everytime the ladies pass they be like, “Hi, y’all!”
Can y’all feel me?  All ages and places; real sweet faces
Every different county: Suwannee, Baker, Bradford, Columbia
Gilchrist, Hamilton, and Alachua
I only came for two days of playin’, but every time I come I go to church prayin’
This the type of town I could spend a few days in
Lake City, where the cattle be grazin’

CHORUS
Party in the city where the heat is on
All night on the river till the break of dawn
Welcome to Lake City (Bienvenidoes Ciudad del Lago)
Bouncin’ in the church where the heat is on
Where we prefer the Bible to the Koran
I’m goin’ to Lake City, Welcome to Lake City

Yo, I heard the rainstorms ain’t nothin’ to mess with
But I can’t feel a drip on the strip; it’s a trip
Goin’ fishin’, fully equipped
Ladies scream out, “Your fly is unzipped!”
So I think I’ma take the bass I caught
Fry it up right here now on the spot
Hottest hole in the city, on Alligator Lake
Temperature get to ya, it’s about to reach
72 degrees in the Ichetucknee
with the hot mommies screamin, “Git’R Done!”
Everytime I come to town, they be spottin’ me
at Olustee there ain’t no stoppin’ me.
So take all your dough and go see a rodeo
Drink a fifth of Jack, instead of merlot
Yo, ain’t no city like the LC; that’s a Gateway to Florida guarantee!

CHORUS
Party in the city where the heat is on
All night on the river till the break of dawn
Welcome to Lake City (Bienvenidoes Ciudad del Lago)
Bouncin’ in the church where the heat is on
Where we prefer the Bible to the Koran
I’m goin’ to Lake City, Welcome to Lake City

Don’t get me wrong, Live oak got it goin’ on
and Suwannee is the city that we know don’t sleep
and we all know that White Springs and Mayo they jiggy
But on the sneak, Lake City bringin’ heat for real.
Y’all don’t understand.
I never seen so many Skynyrd-lovin’ women with farmers tans
Girl, this is the plan:
tubin down the river while sippin’ a can
Of my favorite brand
Dang, my tractor’s sexy
Let’s go to my boat, and troll upstream
Ride my jet-skis; loungin’ ‘neath cypress trees
Cause you gotta have cheese for a summerhouse piece on the Ichetucknee
Water so clear you can see to the bottom
$10 inner tubes, e’ybody got’em
Ain’t no surprise downtown to see James, Montgomery
Lake City, my only home.

CHORUS
Party in the city where the heat is on
All night on the river till the break of dawn
Welcome to Lake City (Buenvenidoes Ciudad del Lago)
Bouncin’ in the church where the heat is on
Where we prefer the Bible to the Koran
I’m goin’ to Lake City, Welcome to Lake City!

Bye, Bye, Mr. Conan O’Bri – American Pie Parody

In light of Conan’s departure from The Tonight Show after a criminally short stint of eight months, I thought Don McLean’s ballad American Pie was an appropriate song to capture this sad moment in late night history.

Anyone who wants to perform and/or record this version, feel free. Just give Don and me some props for it. Enjoy, and KEEP COOL MY BABIES!:

Not too long ago…
I can still remember
How much Late Night used to make me smile.
And I knew if he had his chance
Conan would do the string dance
And he would make The Tonight Show worth my while.

But January made me shiver
From monologues, blogs, and Twitter
Bad news on the internet
All that I could do was fret

Execs would give Jay a second try
And push Conan back to 12:05
But their requests were humbly denied
Then, the laughter died.

So, bye-bye, Mr. Conan O’Bri’ (like ‘pie’)
Your show made a wax Tom Cruise fly
Max and the band are drinking whiskey and rye
While Andy just wants to get high
Andy just wants to get high…

By viewers you’re beloved,
Even though your boss gave you the shove
If the Network tells you so?
This scandal may have taken its toll,
but Coco refused to sell his soul,
and 32 mil is quite a lot of dough.

Well, I know the future may look grim
And your show lasted 1/13th as long as According to Jim
But please don’t sing the blues
Just ask Norm for some boo-OOZE!

As a host you may be a lame duck
But NBC is run by total schmucks,
At least they still have The Office and Chuck

Their ratings to provide.

I started singin’,
“Bye-bye, Mr. Conan O’Bri’.”
Your show made a wax Tom Cruise fly
Max and the band are drinking whiskey and rye
While Andy just wants to get high
Andy just wants to get high…

Now for six years I thought it had been known
That Johnny’s chair would be Conan’s and his alone
And that’s how it was supposed be.
The jester gave his word to the Ginger King
In a shirt made of denim jean
And a car made in 1933,

While the King was looking down
The jester stole his late night crown
The boardroom was adjourned
The Tonight Show would be returned.
While NBC has Community and Parks
And football on Sunday, after dark,
The network has finally “jumped the shark”
Today, the laughter died.

We were singin’,
“Bye-bye, Mr. Conan O’Bri’.”
Your show made a wax Tom Cruise fly
Max and the band are drinking whiskey and rye
While Andy just wants to get high
Andy just wants to get high…

Hustle bustle in this late night tussle
Conan kept flexing his comedic muscle,
Ratings are high and rising fast
But nothing can please the top brass
On Conan, they would rather pass
For the boring jester from the past

Now the SoCal air was sweet perfume
The Tonight Show Band played a lively tune
Conan got up to dance,
Oh, but he never got a chance!
‘Cause the suits claimed he lacked cross-demographic appeal
And the jester just refused to yield
The Tonight Show he up and stealed
The day the laughter died.

We started singin’,
“Bye-bye, Mr. Conan O’Bri’.”
Your show made a wax Fonzie fly
Max and the band are drinking whiskey and rye
While Andy just wants to get high
Andy just wants to get high…

Zucker thinks he put Conan in his place
And that he’ll be easy to replace
But he needs to think again
So come on: Coco be nimble, Coco be quick
Show’em that your pale skin is thick
‘Cause no host, against you, can contend

Oh, and I as watched him on the stage
Joined by Triumph and Kenneth the Page
The crowd began to yell
And bid one final farewell
As the laughs echoed long into the night
And every sketch was served up right
Conan’s antics have been a delight
It’s been one helluva ride.

We started singin’,
“Bye-bye, Mr. Conan O’Bri’.”
Your show made a wax Tom Cruise fly
Max and the band are drinking whiskey and rye
While Andy just wants to get high
Andy just wants to get high…

I told a girl I need to be amused
And I asked her what show followed the news
But she just smiled and turned away.
The dust settles on this Late Night War
Much like the one from years before
Conan’s Tonight Show was lost in the fray

And in the Tweets: celebrities screamed,
The fans cried, and Labamba dreamed
The show was never broken
What was NBC smokin’?
And the three men I admire most:
Letterman, Conan, and Carson’s ghost
So long as they have a show to host
The laughs will never die.

“Bye-bye, Mr. Conan O’Bri’.”
Your show made a wax Fonzie fly
Max and the band are drinking whiskey and rye
While Andy just wants to get high
Andy just wants to get high…

We were singin’,
“Bye-bye, Mr. Conan O’Bri’.”
Your show made a wax Tom Cruise fly
Max and the band are drinking whiskey and rye
While Andy just wants to get, shamana- HIIIIII!!!!!